Changing It Forward
I had a great birthday. Usually we never really celebrate it because it falls perfectly in between my kid’s birthdays. So there is always lack of time and/or money…But it was a good times with friends…Great memories…
And today, when I was about to blow dry my hair, it popped into my mind that my mother didn’t even text me Happy Birthday. Of course there wasn’t one for Christmas or even back to last Thanksgiving either. The last time we “spoke” was when I text her Happy Birthday back in October. She said “Thank You”. I thought about it last Thanksgiving. Was going to send a greeting, but didn’t. Not out of pride, not out of meanness. I just don’t think she cares. I look at my daughter and think how could you not care? And it makes me sad. It makes me angry too a little. Especially when she sees my sister and her children once every two weeks on average.
I have tried to keep a sliver of a relationship there, back when, but really she is such an unhappy person and I was never good enough anyway. Me trying came out of a sense of duty and wanting my kids to have a grandmother, but you can’t force things. We never got along – ever – anyway. I had an older brother and he died right after birth. Then I was born. Then at 12, I moved in with my dad…I don’t hate her. I don’t really think I love her. I remember when my grandmother died, a lady at the funeral asked who I was and I said “Connie’s oldest daughter” and the lady shook her head and said “I had no idea she had two daughters…” I could be bitter. Sometimes I am, but not usually. I have learned to let it go most of the time.
I tend to use these feelings to motivate me. My daughter has had ten birthdays. Her 11th is February 1st. And every birthday I remind her how I was blessed by her birth. How much she is loved…I write it down on a card. So when I am not here she will have it. I want the legacy to change. If I can’t change it backward, then I will most certainly change it forward.